She said her name was "party"
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
COCAINE IS GR8
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
