Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I AM VODKA MAN
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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