Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
