Kiss
Puke
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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