I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
