i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Enjoy the penises
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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