An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
