I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
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That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
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Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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