Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
