Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
