My entire life is one complicated drinking game
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
