dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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