He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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