I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Your cock deserves a montage
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
