sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
