I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
