I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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