Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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