john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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