are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
