he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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