her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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