I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
sarcasm needs its own font
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
