That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
