my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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