I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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