he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
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