Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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