you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
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Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
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Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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