I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
