The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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