Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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