She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
