He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
