Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
