if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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