i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
