We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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