so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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