So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
