You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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