Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
