If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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