do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
