i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
