I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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