Whatcha textin bout Willis?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
