Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Randomize
