i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
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You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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