Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
