This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
