All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
