my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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